Hey you, yeah you right there behind the screen. I am about to tell you a story, something really personal actually, in hopes of helping myself and others realize that being different is no shame. I hope that with my story, I can help others in my situation be less afraid to truly express who they really are inside. So grab yo self a cup of tea or something and ye.. enjoy (I hope) my story, which is about to get real.
When I was a little one, I’ve always been different than other boys. I would only have girl friends, play with dolls, think boys were attractive and would generally gravitate towards what society labeled girly stuff. I would love to do my girl friends hair, I would get so mad when I couldn’t go to an all girls birthday party, I would get so jealous when my sister wore makeup, dresses, shaking her booty, while I had to wear shorts and t-shirts . But what was really messing up my brain, was that I always had to walk around with two personalities, one for my friends and one for my family. And actually many people did not know that, that I always had to be different, with two major environments.
So my childhood wasn’t easy, being the confused gay boy In an environment (at that time),that was difficult and so narrow minded. I would always tell myself that being Albanian was just making it harder, which I sooner in life came to understand, was wrong of me to think.
So before I start into my teenage years, lemme tell you a little about my background. I am a fully Albanian boy, well I should say girl, who was born in Norway. I have one sister and four brothers, which their names will be keep anonymous due to their discretion. I have been so afraid to tell my family about my situation, because of my fear of total rejection. I have always thought that ”oh well I am Albanian and this and this is expected of me, and people like me or in my situation, are worse than trash”. Sooner I came to realize, I was so fucking wrong. About everything I thought.
I came out as a gay boy or like finally excepted it when I was thirteen years old, ye I know, took me a long ass time for you guys that know me. This was the true beginning of me not giving a fuck what others said. And remember that this was a time when LGBT community (Lesbian, Gay, bi and transgender), was not that well known. Especially transgender people. However when I came out as gay, I had amazing friends, and their families supported me through everything. And to be honest, I didn’t get a lot of shit thrown at me because I did not allow people to throw shady ass comments at me. I was always super honest when people asked me about things and had questions regarding my sexuality, except my family. I still had to have two different personalities and I was still super afraid for what they would think. So I went on living as two different people, or so it felt like, and I still knew something was off. So when I say I didn’t give a fuck, I supposed I did, looking back, which is just sad.
Let me jump over the low-key depression of being super fat, loosing weight and yeah, life. I am at this moment 17-18 years old, and holy shit this boy has had a long time thinking and discovering himself. This was the first time he discovered that he didn’t want to be a he anymore but he wanted to be a she. And thats me by the way, so that I’m not confusing you. I was in high school at this time, and I actually met my first transgender girl (boy to girl). And I don’t think I ever said to her how much I admired her! She was so fucking strong, just giving no fucks and was completely her self. Instead what I did which I always will regret, was thinking she was ill, I always supported her, but I still had that in my mind because of all the toxic I’ve been fed by society and narrow minded people in my family. Does that mean that I am ill? YES in the sense of thinking and judging like a fucking idiot, who was I to judge someone who was going thought what I wanted to go through? I was just a stupid ass, ignorant, uneducated brat that didn’t know anything and had no strength. So of course I suppressed my feelings even more after seing what she went through, and tried living more as a boy til the fullest of my capability. I started shaving my beard more to make it grow faster and stopped using makeup, which I loved. I cut my hair super short because long hair was ment for girls, not boys.
These are some old photos from that time, and I was super sad at that time because I told myself that no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I would never be able to become a girl. I never told it to anyone and I intended to keep it that way. And this was my mindset from now on all the way until I turned 19-20 years old.
Later I decided I needed to move out. I needed to move from my small ass city to the main city in Norway, which is called Oslo. I remember telling my mom that I was going to move, and she was really upset, but as the person I am, I will never let anyone stop me from doing what I want too, or this mindset slowly grew on me. The mindset of not giving a fuck. So I found an apartment, found a shitty waiter job, and enrolled to school, thinking this had to make me happy. So here I was, new city, new people, new everything. I had moved, was super excited, ended up dropping out of school cuz I hated it and quit my shitty job because it was low key slavery, but I still lived in my small ass apartment, alone. Desperate I needed to find another job before I told my mom that I quit, which I did. It led me to a flower shop where I met my amazing boss, which later became a friend. I could finally work in a place where I would be fully accepted for who I was, but I still found it hard believing my true identity, so I still kept it hidden from everyone I knew.
So here I am, new job yet again, new friends yet again, new mindset (or so I thought), life was good. No It was not, I still could not recognize that I was a girl inside, I just could not believe it, bringing that shame upon my family and friends. However after a while I just could not bear it anymore.
So what I did start too do, was experimenting with ”girly” products. Self tanners, bronzers, hair colors and etc. Which led to even more make up, and more, and more. I started going out to clubs specifically for LGBT people, and I LOVED it. All the diversity, the love and people being truly them self. I started educating myself more about transgender people and their journeys and how things worked. I saw loads of documentaries, read peoples experiences with A-Z and became even more sure.
I remember when I started opening more up to my feminine side and it was like all the pieces just took place. Like I have always been super feminine, but this was the time I finally went all out. I finally understood that I was never going to be truly happy if I never did something about myself. I grew my hair out and started fixing my nails, shaving my legs, wear more makeup which I love, buy more girly clothes and colors, stopped with men’s shirts (HATE WEARING THEM) and dropped my second personality, which led me to have enough courage to tell my family that gay. Even though I told my family that I was gay after having it hidden for almost 6 years, they already of course knew, because I am super girly. It was hard for them at the start, but they except me fully now. And after that I told my sister what I really felt. I told her: ” I am so sick and tired, tired of always hiding, ruining relationships with my crazy ass because I am not happy with who I am”. Her respons: ” Nobody is going to wait when you die and thank you for living for them. Do whatever makes you happy and live your life, but just be 100% sure that this is what you want, because everything in your life will change”. And if you dont know what I’m, talking about, well I just told my first person that I am transgender. I know what your thinking, holy shit this went fast, but remember, I’ve known this for a long time, but just know have the courage to step up.
Now I’m happy. And confused and afraid, but happy. I finally admired myself for that I finally accepted the truth about myself. However, to be happy, we have to go through obstacles. Now I have to face a lot of decisions right? When do I take my hormones, what will happen to my voice, will I grow boobs, when can I do the big operation, will I end up with a man? What will society think of me? as well as a million more questions. As all of these questions just ran to my brain, I just shut my self up. All of this didn’t matter, I would finally accept that I am different and I told myself: ”ye you are going to be having set backs and emotions, and people in and out your life, but everything will be OKAY”. Now that I’ve covered that, FUCK what am I going to say to my family?
I was going home to my mom in like three months after I knew and realized what I wanted to do, after thinking about it for over 4-6 years. I was so fucking nervous but at the same time, I have amazing friends and a bomb ass sister, who I love so very much. I also told my brother that is one year older than me, who also turned out to accept me for who I am. So I was actually not that afraid anymore, I had to make a choice: 1. tell my mom and family, they might hate me for a while or forever but I will be happy, 2. I could shut up and live my life a lie.
I went home, spend the day with my mom and I told her. I was planning to have my brother there and my mom’s best friend, but no, I had to do this alone, face to face. And you know what? I overreacted as usual. My mom loves me, unconditionally. It is of course hard for her which I expect, but we will get through this together, no more secrets and lies. My brothers also took it well, they told me that they always knew something was off and that I was different. My mom as well. That night I went to bed, I just balled my eyes out, It was like lifting one hundred kilo’s of my back. It goes to show that what I was thinking of being Albanian was a disability, was actually me being hella stupid. If you are well loved and cared for, it should not matter what you do, unless you are hurting other people.
So now as I’m sitting here and write this, my heart feels full. I don’t know if it helps but it sure did for me, which is actually the main point, as well as telling all the people I’ve known for 21 years as a human on this planet that, changes is coming and this is the new me. I am Alessa Nikqi and I could never be more grateful and happier. I can’t wait for my journey, the good, the bad, the ups and the downs, because I know that I won’t stand alone, and I never have to.
And you probably have a lot of questions, and I will be right here to answer them, never be afraid of asking, because when we ask, we get to know, and by knowing helps us getting more educated.
Remember to stay true to your self and do you boo, keep hustlin